Second time around

The first time I did Weight Watchers, the weight came off fairly easily and steadily. Though I kept most of it off for a couple of years, I stopped exercising regularly, and went back to eating comfort foods such as risotto and my favorite chocolate boba smoothie.

So now I'm back on the wagon. This time, I need to do it differently. I need to learn how to lose (and maintain) weight without relying on an intense exercise regime. I need to learn how to incorporate eating out, cake, risotto, and decadence without being "off plan." I thought that if I was having a square of dark chocolate, or a chocolate pudding cup, I was indulging, and meeting my cravings. But those aren't my downfall. I can have a square of chocolate and stop at one. I can rarely, though, stop at one serving of risotto.

I think I felt virtuous (and was smug) about losing weight before. Now I'm going into it with my eyes wide open, knowing a bit better what I need to learn.

You're how old?

This morning at the gym I was talking with some women about WW, and said something about having had a baby pooch forever, and finally losing it now that my son is 21. They both did double takes. It's not an uncommon response, and it almost always feels good.

At noon Susan and I were walking around the reservoir talking about how with this next birthday I'll need to make my first appointment to visit the waffle machine.

And this evening I found my first grey hair.

I feel a bit as though I've aged a lifetime in one day. I've gone from the young, fit, teen mom to the grey-haired woman scheduling a mammogram. Thank god I'm not going through menopause. Yet.

Bye-bye, boobies

One of the things that kept me from trying to lose weight for years was my boobs. I loved having boobs. A B-cup isn't much, but compared to a nearly-A, they're huge! And since they came on so slowly, after gaining a fair amount of weight, I figured they'd be the first thing I'd lose if I ever dieted.

They stuck around much longer than I expected. I'm now within 2 pounds of my goal weight, and still wearing a B-cup. A padded, push-up, not quite full B-cup, but a B-cup, dammit! And oh, the joys of the push-up bra! I tried one once, years ago, when I was a nearly-A. It was ridiculous. Going from pancake-flat to having roundness on my chest looked absurd, and I've avoided push-ups ever since.

But once I lost enough weight that a 38 B really didn't fit, I went in for sizing and shopping. Lo and behold, I was told I'm a 34 B. So, fearing that loss of cup size was right around the corner, I tried on a push-up. Without making me look like I'm pretending to be a D-cup, I've suddenly got cleavage. And now, though I notice they're getting smaller, they're still pretty happy to hang out in a B-cup.

Who knew?

Halfway Mark

At last night's WW weigh-in I got my 15 pound bookmark - halfway to goal. And by some wondrous coincidence, the topic for that meeting was how to get motivated again after hitting a plateau or gaining back some weight. Having just spent a month being mostly off-program and not exercising, I felt really ready to jump in with my helpful comments. After all, I had just lost four pounds in a week, after a month in which I mostly maintained. I had needed to kick my own butt in order to jump-start my weight loss and exercise.

So I was getting set to be all smug and helpful about how to get motivated again, when someone said they'd been on a plateau for FOUR YEARS! Then someone else chimed in about how she got to within 2 pounds of her goal weight, and then gained most of it back and hasn't lost much (but has kept coming to meetings). Then over and over people commented on how they'd made lifetime or lost significant amounts, and then had gained it back. It was depressing.

Part of me wanted to stick my fingers in my ears so I couldn't hear them. Another part was listening with morbid fascination, noting that it could be my future. And there was another part trying to protect me, telling me that most people aren't really very smart. But it's a lot harder to believe that people are dumb when I'm looking at them. When I'm lurking in the WW chat rooms, it's easy to be dismissive of the folks who are complaining because they can't lose weight even though they've cut back on the number of times per day that they eat a Big Mac. Or who consistently write "loose" instead of "lose." But when I'm at a meeting, I tend to think of everyone as being fairly intelligent. Maybe I'm just lucky to go to a meeting with lots of fairly sharp folks. Or maybe the dorks just keep quiet. And it's certainly easier to be dismissive of someone once they start misspelling things, while people who attend meetings and never say anything remain innocent until they open their mouths.

So instead of leaving the meeting feeling great about getting halfway to my goal, I left feeling vaguely anxious about the possiblity of gaining weight back in the future, and very unhappy with how judgemental I am. I can usually talk myself out of it, but it makes me unhappy that my first response is to dismiss someone as being not very smart.

Today was a great antidote. I've heard my students in several conversations that were so far over my head that I can't even remember what they were about, walked in on a student who was going over a math problem so complex that I didn't even recognize some of the symbols, and looked through the bookshelves of several students and saw titles of textbooks that made me feel very small (one of them was Bargey's Manual of Systemic Bacteriology).

I am not that smart. I'm good at some things, but math is not one of them. Reading "The Elegant Universe" makes my head hurt. So I will now get down off my high horse and appreciate people who use six exclamation marks after each sentence when they're in a chat room.

But I made it to the halfway mark! Yipee for me!!!!!!